Father's Day has always been a struggle for me. I have a father, not the kind of father that I wanted. My father was an alcoholic when I was young and hasn't worked since he was 40.
I remember being married and pregnant with my second child when my father went through "treatment" again. I honestly thought that I may get a Dad out of the deal.
You know the old saying: Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Daddy.
I wanted a Daddy. As time went on I realized more and more that my father's only problems weren't alcohol abuse, but that he used alcohol to cover mental illness, or should I say - to drown out mental illness.
I remember being a child and wishing that my mother would get a divorce so she could marry a man that would be a dad. I look back at that now with sadness and a deep respect for my mother staying with him all these years and providing for us when he did not.
When I was about 8 years old, my father called me into the kitchen and had raw hamburger in his hand. He asked me to smell it and said "Does it smell alright? I think your mother is trying to poison me." Then he proceeded to make us a casserole. Looking back, I don't remember if he even ate any of it, but I know I did. I was confused, but I knew mom didn't want to poison him.
When you are a child, all you want is to get out of a bad situation, it is just human nature. Things that we were privy to see as children, shouldn't be seen. BUT - and this is a big BUT - he never physical abused us and I thank God for that. There was the swearing, but you can get beyond that, physical abuse would leave a scar for life.
Recently, this is a miracle to me, he has been more devoted than he has ever been. He is 82 years old and when I go to visit, I enjoy talking to him. He shows compassion that I have never seen before.
I did some research on mental illness and aging and I have found that dementia can "counteract" some forms of mental illness. My dad would never take meds, he always thought someone was trying to hurt him. By this counter action with his mind, I have been given a dad, even if for a short time, I will take it!
On Father's Day, some one that I know posted this about her father on Facebook: Malachi says, "Before the great ...and dreadful day of the LORD, He will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children and the hearts of the children to their fathers.."
She had a rocky relationship with her dad and he died a year ago and before his passing, they amended their relationship.
The verse made me smile when I read it. It makes me think about my dad's outlook now and our relationship. It isn't a warm and fuzzy relationship, but at least it is a relationship at all and I thank God for that.
We gain strength from our trials in life. We don't know God's plan, but He always has one.
